Got Missionaries ?

The Aztecs may have been a bit ahead of the rest of us. Be they Mormon, Jehovah Witness, or whatever, missionaries can be a pain in the ass, and I know, I used to be one. They are trained to look for weakness and opportunity and will exploit both at any chance they get. They arrive at your doorstep either because they are trackting your block, or one of your friends have sent them your name, or maybe you were suckered into one of their "free" offers on the television. Either way, here they are, on your doorstep.

So how do you deal with them ?

Well, you can just say no and slam the door in their face, that may be effective, or may just make them more determined. You can try talking to them, but remember, they’ve been trained for this, they have the advantage, and once they’re in, have fun getting them out. So what do you do ?

Do what I do. Play with them.

There’s nothing better then the confused look on a missionaries face when they don’t know how to react to what you say. You’ve stumped them, and they end up walking away either confused or simply upset. I have literally seen them cry. That’s what this page is about, humorous responses to typical missionary rhetoric. If you have any funny responses that you would like to see here, please send them to me at chronic_budha@excite.com
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Possible answers :

" Great ! Hold on one second ! ( leave the door and come back with a pen and paper) Now where do you live ? (they will now either ask why you want their address or tell you that they can’t give it to you.) Well I figure if you can come to my house to tell me about something, why can’t I come to you when I want to tell someone something ? "

" Jesus who ? Never heard of him. Isn’t he the guy that makes the tacos over at the Taco Hut ?"

" My time is worth money. I charge twenty dollars the first hour, ten dollars every hour after that. Payment must be made in advance. How much do you guys have ? "

" Can’t talk ! Busy slaughtering the sacrificial lamb to give to the great god Whoseyurdaddy ! "

" Peace and love ? Are you sure you guys aren’t from San Fransisco ? "

"Great come on in, we need two more for the orgy." (sent by Xalan )

" As a matter of fact, God was here just a few minutes ago. He asked me to deliver a special message to you. Go to hell!" (sent by Michael)

" I talk to God every day and he tells me to do things such as fuck sheep. I fuck sheep every day. Are you a lamb of God? " (sent by Michael)

"Oh *do* come in. We only have eleven celebrants so far and with you two, that makes thirteen, a much better number for a Black Mass, wouldn’t you say?"(sent by Landis)

" Oh, my, you’re early. Well, that’s all right, come on in and take your clothes off. I’m sure the rest of the coven will be here shortly." (sent by Landis)

Possible answers :

" Hell no, sounds boring to me ! "

" Could you guys please come back another time? (After making an appointment for a future visit). Oh, and do you have a pen and paper (if not supply one): I would like you to bring these things please: silk scarves, candles, massage oil (edible of course), two c-rings, a strap-on, a silver bullet………..(When asked why or look of shock) Well you didn’t expect an orgy without toys, did you? " (sent by Chani)

A list of things to do from Steve Knight…

Open the door, tell them you’ll be right back. Shut the door. Then peek at them from a window until they leave.

Ask them what they want and start scratching yourself.

Ask them if they can cross their eyes. Show them how.

Tell them, "I won’t listen to a word unless you pull my finger."

Tell them about your rash. Offer to show it to them.

Breakdown on your knees, and beg them to lead you to Jesus. When you all start yelling amen and halaylewya, tell them to f@#k off and slam the door.

" Good! Just keep going *around* my street. Thank you! <slam door>" (sent by Kalle)

" Oh hi! The coven has assembled but we’ve been waiting for a proper sacrifice. Are either of you virgin? " (sent by Fred)

"You’re just in time, I had a fight with my wife and I think this time killed the bitch and she’s damn heavy. Can you help me drag the corpse under the house?" (sent by Gully)

"Open the door listen to the spiel and say… Ya ever wonder what keeps your skin on???  (growl) It’s time to find a new host body…" (sent by Louis Cypher)

"Hand them the trash and shut the door. Ask to see their bible, take it and close the door. Drop trousers, and answer the door in boxers…with a feather boa around your shoulders. Introduce two women as your wives…." (sent by Louis Cypher)

"Open the door,and stark naked ,ask"who wants to be first"." (sent by Henry and Beverley)

Re-enact this scene from the movie Fight Club:
[Answer the door wearing nothing but rubber kitchen gloves. Have your wife/girl/partner
in the background lying on the floor/bed/couch/altar.]
You: What do you want?
[Wait for their response or while they try to look past you toward you partner.]
You: Wanna finish her off?
Partner: Who’s there?
You: Shut up.
[Slam the door and the two of you yell and moan loudly.]

-Mealt